A blind man was out walking with his seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man’s leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog’s head.
Having watched what happened, a passerby said, “Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!”
“I know,” said the blind man, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt!”
Two person were walking down the road and one of them said “Look at that dog with one eye!”. The next one cover one of the eyes and goes, “Where? Where?”
Two guys were out walking their dogs, when one dog wanders off to pee against the wall. Like dogs do, it raised it’s leg and started to do his thing.
The second dog then goes up and starts to go exactly where the other dog did. But instead of raising his leg, he stood up on his hind legs, put both paws on the wall and relieved himself.
One guy says to the other, “Wow, how did you teach him that?”
The second man replies, “I didn’t teach him. He’s done it ever since the wall fell on him!”
Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, “Do you recall your worst day last year?”
The other responds, “Yes, the day I had diarrhea!”
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she guessed.
“No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, ” Champagne ?
“No,” said the little boy… “It’s a puppy!”
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he’s lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised he mutters “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?” The parrot says “With my prick, you dummy.”
The guy is startled and says “You certainly talk well for a parrot.” The parrot says “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”
The guy says “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.” The parrot says “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A’s won, the Giant’s lost, the pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says “Come in and shut the door.” The guy says “What’s up?” The parrot says “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.”
The guy says “Oh, A momentary flight of passion.” The parrot says “Then he fondled her breasts.” The guy says “He did??!” The parrot says “Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.” The guy says “My God, what happened next???!!!”
The parrot says “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”
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