Wednesday, April 16, 2025
Animal Jokes

The Vet Solves a Problem Jokes Times

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Illinois.”

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How Much did you Drink Jokes Times

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!” The Monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!”

Computer Diagnosis Jokes Times

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor. His friend offered, “Don’t do that!!! There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water.. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter’s using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife’s pregnant – twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!

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Widdle Wabbits Jokes Times

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t think my pet python weally gives a thit.”

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Talented Hamster Jokes Times

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing “Tuff Enuff” by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

“That IS amazing!” says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. “If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?” The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.

Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who’s been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. “Are you nuts?” asks the bartender.

“You could’ve made a fortune off that frog.” “Can you keep a secret?” asks the man. “The hamster’s a ventriloquist.”

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