This is important information just in case.
Symptoms of the Bird Flu…
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
A blind man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks.
He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, “What’s your name?”
“Huey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Huey.
“I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The bartender asks the second duck, “What’s your name?”
“Duey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Duey.
“I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The witty bartender says to the third duck, “So I guess your name is Louie?”
The duck replies, “No, I’m Puddles.”
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash.
The barman says, “Geez that’s a weird dog, he’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place.
The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,”her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a Daddy Longlegs.” Her father answered.
“So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
“Well, that might be OK in California, BUT we’re not having any of that crap in Texas”
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat!”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”
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