Outrun It

Jun 4, 2021

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Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, “What are you doing?” He says, “I figure when the bear gets close to us, we’ll jump down and make a run for it.” The second guy says, “Are you crazy? You can’t outrun a bear.” The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you.”

Twenty Penguins

Jun 4, 2021

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A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.

The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo.” The man replies “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

Rooster with Pants

Jun 4, 2021

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A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.

He says, “What the hell is that all about?”

The farmer says, “We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.

There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.”

Great Expectations

Jun 4, 2021

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Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured Princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shore of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back in the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don’t think so…”

Extreme Problem Solver

Jun 4, 2021

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Three men walk into a bar and the barman says, “If you can sit in my basement for a day I’ll give you free beer forever.”

So the first man says, “Easy. I can do that.”

But he walks out after five minutes and says, “It’s impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there.”

So the second man tries his luck, but can’t take more than 10 minutes.

Finally the third man goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it. He said, “Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!”

The Vet Solves a Problem

Jun 4, 2021

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The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. “Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. “You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?”

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Illinois.”