New Bats in the Cave

Jun 5, 2021

0 353

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, “Let’s fly out of the cave and get some blood.”

“We’re new here,” says the second one. “It’s dark out, and we don’t know where to look. We’d better wait until the other bats go with us.” The first bats replies, “Who needs them? I can find some blood elsewhere.” He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, “Where did you get the blood?”

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave, Pointing into the night, he asks, “See that black building over there?” “Yes,” the other bat answers. “Well'” says the first bat, “I didn’t.”

You Would Too

Jun 5, 2021

0 164

Look at that speed! said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads. “Hmph!” snorted the other. “You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!”

Alligators in Pool

Jun 5, 2021

0 579

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests…I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could…the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain…which do you want, my daughter or the million dollars?”

The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!

The Auction

Jun 5, 2021

0 227

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”

“Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

Ugliest Baby

Jun 4, 2021

0 67

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Same Idiot

Jun 4, 2021

0 165

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his acks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”