A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. “I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.”
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.”
“Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl was wearing a fire fighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” the firefighter said with admiration.
“Thanks,” the girl replied.
The fire fighter looked a little closer. The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little partner,” the fire fighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns Out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The Neighbor came for a visit one day and said, “Chicken farming isn’t easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I’ll give you 100 chickens.”
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, “Not too good. All 100 chickens died.”
The neighbor said, “Oh,I can’t believe that. I’ve never had any trouble with my chickens. I’ll give you 100 more.”
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The newfarmer says, “You’re not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too.”
Astounded, the neighbor asked, “what went wrong? What did you do to them?”
Well, says the new farmer, “I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too deep or not far apart enough.”
If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black etc.), but be careful because they don’t scare Grizzly Bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, “What were the people doing on the bus?” The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, “Yeah, but what else were they doing?”. The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, “Oh! They were drinking, huh??!” The chief continues, “Okay, were they doing anything else?” The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.
The chief loses his patience, “If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?” The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.
A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that’s a weird dog: he’s stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn’t have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it’s all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
The owner says,”Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator”
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