During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, “I’m paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does.”
“I guarantee it, madam,” replied the auctioneer. “Who do you think was bidding against you?”
A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat.The snail looks up and says, “What the hell was that all about?”
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesus is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.
The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.”
Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot.
What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus.”
A man who absolutely hated his wife’s cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answers: “Put that damn cat on the phone. I’m lost and I need directions!”
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him “.
A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady.
“Yes, it is,” replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”
“Well, sort of,” said the elderly lady, “There’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.”
“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”
“Well, it should,” said the vet, “It stopped ME!”
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