Prison vs Housewife

Jun 4, 2021

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In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat
it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can
spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again
because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control
and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane and Spot and
worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the
next twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of
papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and
then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after
your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in
your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and
what the heck is free time again?

In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to
keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till
you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s and
get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make
sure nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and
then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you
to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home…stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

E-mail Truths

Jun 4, 2021

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NOW REPEAT AFTER ME …

I will NOT have bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear music, or see a cool pop up screen if I don’t forward this.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money.

Victoria’s Secret does NOT know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me, and Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don’t know who I am anyway.

I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this …. NEVER!!!!

My phone will NOT mysteriously ring after I forward this.

There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am NOT STUPID ENOUGH to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.

There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything. Maybe he did when he was 7 years old, but he is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POSTCARDS, CALLING CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS!

The government does NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.

Laytex Gloves

Jun 4, 2021

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A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.

He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…

“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”

She said, “No?”

“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size.

Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands!

Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”

And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make Laytex Condoms

Too Tired to Go On

Jun 4, 2021

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There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” She swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.” So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back.

35-Year-old Daughter

Jun 4, 2021

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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

“What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

“What are you doing?” he exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

“What are you doing?” she asked. He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law.”

Printer Tech Support

Jun 4, 2021

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A Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when he had a customer call with a problem on her printer that he just couldn’t solve.

The customer could not print yellow on her printer. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled the tech support because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. He had the customer change ink cartridges. He had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. He asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, he was about to tell the customer to send the printer in for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?”