Follow My Orders

Jun 4, 2021

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.

For lunch make him a nutritious meal.

For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week.”

“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.

Marriage Prayer

Jun 4, 2021

0 433

On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I’m praying for guidance,” answered the young man. “I’ll take care of that,” she replied. “You pray for endurance.”

Which Part?

Jun 4, 2021

1 148

Passenger: Will this bus take me to New York?

Driver: Which part?

Passenger: All of me, of course!

Modern Technology

Jun 4, 2021

0 627

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. “I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.”

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, “Manicures -25 cents.” “Why not,” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, “This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives – cost 50 cents,” The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening – with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for 2 weeks.

When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis which now had a button sewed on the tip.

Pick Up Lines

Jun 4, 2021

0 192

1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let’s get you out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs…what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package

5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

16. Are those real?

17. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.

18. You can feel the magic between us…No, lower!

19. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

20. Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya.

21. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

22. (Look down at your crotch) It’s not just going to suck itself.

23. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.

24. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

26. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

27. My name is (name)…remember that, you’ll be screaming it later.

28. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

29. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

30. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.

31. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

32. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

33. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

34. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

35. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don’t like pizza?

36. I may not be Dairy Queen but I’ll treat you right.

37. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home without me.

38. Do you sleep on your stomach at night? Can I???

39. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

40. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

41. Let me check the tag on your shirt, I want to see if it says “Made in Heaven”

Beautiful Red Roses

Jun 4, 2021

0 214

This woman and her husband have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her but she doesn’t care.

She is busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses…the expensive ones…from her husband.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, “Oh SHIT!” The delivery guy says, “What’s a matter lady? You don’t like roses?” She replies, “Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means???” He says, “No, Lady, what does this mean?”

She answers, “It means for the next two weeks I’ll be laying on my back with my legs in the air.”

He replies, “Geez, Lady, don’t you have a vase???”