A snobbish tourist was visiting a small Australian village when he noticed a local man wearing a highly ornate necklace that featured 10 alligator teeth.
He approached the man and in a condescending manner said, “Goodness, what a fancy necklace! I guess you people must value alligator teeth the same way my people value pearls.”
The man replied, “Well,anyone can open up an oyster.”
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.” “Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued, the friend, “absolutely nothing!”
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee. “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?
The girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrr, gerrrrr, Kiiiing.
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, “What if the place is still bugged?”
The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, “AHA!” Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?”
The groom says, “Why are you asking me all of these questions?”
The hotel manager says, “Well, the couple in the room UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on them.”
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
“Mommy,” said the little boy, “what are all those ladies doing?”
“They’re waiting for their husbands to get off of work,” she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, “Geez lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They’re hookers. They have sex with men for money.”
The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, mommy?” His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?”
“They mostly become cab drivers,” she replied.
One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.
Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, “could you pass the honey honey?” to whom his wife, hands over the honey.
Then, the husband from Kansas says ” Could you pass the sugar sugar?” and she passes him the sugar.
The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says “Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?”
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