I have a friend named Jack, who is a pilot on a 747.
I said “Hi Jack. “He shot me.
My Pilot Friend
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Passwords
A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password that he wants to use when logging on. The husband is in a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention so, when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in “penis”…
His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:
**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH **
Are You Merlin?
Chap – You’re Merlin aren’t you?
Merlin – Why yes ..it’s nice to be recognised!
Chap – Bit of a Wizard ..I hear?
Merlin – Well Yes .. I’ve been told I’m skilled
Chap – Do tricks and things ..don’t ya.. Magical stuff?
Merlin – Magical … yes that’s correct
Chap – Turn Kings into Frogs ..and that sort of thing ..Is that right
Merlin – Well Yes ..I suppose I could Turn a King into a Frog!
Chap – Ever Mucked up ..Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin – Well Yes …hasn’t everyone?
Chap – Can you reverse a curse?
Merlin – Yes I can … with knowledge of who applied the Curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it ….Why ?
Chap – I’m Cursed
Merlin – Really … and how long have you been bewitched?
Chap – Years…..
Merlin – Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?
Chap – Yeah .. can’t forget them!
Merlin – What were they?
Chap – something like … Do you take this women to be your lawfully wedded wife…
Helping Hand
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.”What are they doing, Grandma?” asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
“They’re just like people, aren’t they Grandma?” said the little one.
“How do you mean?” asked the Grandma.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the little girl,”and they screw you every time!”
Two Guys in a Bar
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
Six or Twelve
The assistant asked the lady if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
“Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”
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