One in a Billion

Jun 5, 2021

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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?” The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance.

Maybe one in five hundred thousand.” She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?” Again he went through his tables. “Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”

Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

Second Opinion

Jun 5, 2021

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?”

“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

Too Much Attention

Jun 5, 2021

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One evening a family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you alright?” They ask. “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”

Mother Always Knows

Jun 5, 2021

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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,

I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner…..love, John

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now………….Love, Mom

Ugliest Baby

Jun 4, 2021

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Curing a Cough

Jun 4, 2021

0 283

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his staff what’s up. The staff replies, “He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. So I gave him laxative and told him to take it all at once.”

The owner shouts angrily, “Laxatives won’t cure a cough.” The staff says while pointing at the man leaning against the wall, “Sure it will. Look at him, he is too afraid to cough now.”