E-Mail from above

Jun 5, 2021

0 250

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of their rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned, she told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not. He thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned she went to God and said, “Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.”

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good because He wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

You didn’t get one either, huh?

The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM

Jun 5, 2021

0 2160

The Different Between a Man and a Woman at a Drive-thru ATM Jokes Times

Man going to ATM

Pull up to ATM
Insert card
Enter PIN number
Take cash, card, and receipt
Walk away

Woman going to ATM

Pull up to ATM
Back up and pull forward to get closer
Shut off engine
Put keys in purse
Get out of car because she is to far from machine
Hunt for card in purse
Insert card
Locate grocery receipt in purse with PIN number
Enter PIN
Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
Hit “cancel”
Reenter Correct PIN number
Check balance
Look for envelope
Go through purse for ink pen
Make out deposit slip
Study instructions again
Endorse check
Make deposit
Make cash withdrawal
Get back into car
Check makeup in mirror
Look for keys in purse
Start car
Check makeup again
Start pulling away from ATM
Stop
Back up to machine
Get out of car
Retrieve card and receipt
Get back into car
Put card in wallet
Put receipt in checkbook
Enter deposit and withdrawal into checkbook
Clear space in purse for wallet and checkbook
Check makeup
Put car in reverse
Put car in drive
Drive away from machine
Drive 3 miles down the road
Release the parking brake

Helpline – F8

Jun 5, 2021

0 209

Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It’s not working.

Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…

Fastest Gun in the West

Jun 5, 2021

0 837

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said “I have a suggestion that is sure to help.”

“Tell me, tell me,” said the young man.

“Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“Definitely,” said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off he piano player.

“Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?”

“Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“It sure will,” said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. “This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?”

“One more thing,” said the old man. “Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.”

The young fellow didn’t hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

“No, the whole gun, handle and everything.” said the old man.

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“No,” said the old man, “But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he’s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.”

Terms of Endearment

Jun 5, 2021

0 354

Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.” Morris hung his head and whispered – “To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!”

Solve Medicare Coverage Problem

Jun 5, 2021

0 87

Solve Medicare Coverage Problem Jokes Times

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello, Mrs. Sanders, please.’

‘Speaking.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’

‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.’

‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.

‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.’