A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife.
You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential that we complete this declaration of independence.
Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.
Mr. Jefferson: That’s all right, Ben. We’ll go on without you. Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?
Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I’ve been having Notes replication problems.
Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
Mr. Sherman: Thanks. Saaaaay, nice font.
Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online just last week.
Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our document will soon leak out.
Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There’s already a bootleg circulating. I saw it posted on alt. george III. sucks last night.
Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that problem for me.
Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?
Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I’ve spilled candle wax on my keyboard again.
Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn’t happen if you’d buy an active-matrix screen.
Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!
Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it’s “unalienable rights”? My spell checker recommends “unassailable”.
Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?
Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn’t compatible.
Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I’ll hold…..
Mr. Livingston: The “In Congress” part here at the top; have you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in 72 point Helvetica?
Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can’t save the file.
Mr. Franklin: That’s all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my quill pen….
There were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Vito and the other was Vladimir.
Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success.
Vladimir: “Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?”
Vito: “Well, I’ll tell ya! But it’s a secret.. just between you and me. I don’t want my system to become too public.”
Vladimir: “OK. It’s a deal.”
Vito: “You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedo. When women see it, they come running from miles.”
Vladimir: “That’s it? I can do that.”
The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedo. As he walked out onto the beach, he immediately noticed that women… and men began to notice him. “It’s working, he thought.” But soon he began to realise that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him. He rushed over to Vito and asked “Vito, what’s the problem? Why isn’t it working?”
Vito: “Because you’re supposed to put the potato in the FRONT!!”
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list.
To no one’s surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, “You’ve got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn’t any calcium in a kiss!”
The scientist replied calmly, “In a good kiss, there’s enough calcium to make a BONE about 6 to 8 inches long.”
A non-Christian with zero knowledge in Christianity goes to Vatican for the first time and suddenly meets the Pope in the street. The Pope, the kind person that he really is, took the man aside and explained him all about Christianity for half an hour. When he was done, the non-Christian guy says to him “So Mr. Pope, is your wife a Catholic or a Prostitute?”
A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
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