Visit to the Doctor

Jun 5, 2021

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

Serving at a Desert Outpost

Jun 5, 2021

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After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, “BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!” The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain’s quarters.

The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, “Is that how the enlisted men do it?”

The sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.”

Hi-Tech

Jun 5, 2021

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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers…like a telephone…on his open hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here. The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”

The bartender says “prove it.” The guy dials up a number and extends his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “Thats incredible!” said the bartender.” I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy. “I can keep in touch with my broker,my wife, you name it. By the ways where is the mens room?” The bartender directs him to the mens room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.

Fearing the worst given the nature of the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s rest room to check on the guy. The guy is spread eagled up against the wall. His pants are rolled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. “Oh my God!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?” The guy turns and say’s “No, no I’m ok I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Sex Drive

Jun 5, 2021

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“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint – my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

The doctor’s mouth dropped open. “Your what?!” he gasped.

“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

On a Lonely Island

Jun 5, 2021

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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There’s plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he’s doing alright – but after a few months he gets lonely…

The pig starts to look more and more attractive – soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg.

Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health.

Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him “Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don’t know how I can ever repay you. I’ll do anything for you, anything, just name it.”

The guy thinks for a minute and says, “Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?”

Vasectomy

Jun 5, 2021

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A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he’s surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously “Is there a problem?”

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes “I’m afraid so… I’m sorry but your notes got mixed up and we’ve given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy”

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies “Do you mean to say I’ll never experience another erection”
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says “Well, you might, but it won’t be yours.”