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Pearly Gates

Jun 5, 2021

0 257

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash.

They are standing before God, seated on his throne.

God asks Al: “What do you believe?”

Al says: “I believe in the earth. I believe if we don’t protect it, the whole earth will die.”

God says: “I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?”

Bill Clinton says: “I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do.”

God says: “I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?”

Bill Gates says: “I believe you’re in my seat.”

Bank Loan

Jun 5, 2021

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A man walks into a bank and says he’s is going overseas for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.

Two weeks later, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5,000 and interest of $15.41. The loan officer says inquiringly, “Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you have a millionaire” Why ever did you need to borrow $5,000?” The man replies, “Where else can I park my car safely for two weeks for $15.41?”

Miracle Pills

Jun 5, 2021

0 368

Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra.

The other wasn’t familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, “It’s the greatest thing I’ve ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30.”

The second then asked, “Can you get it over the counter?”

“You probably could, if you took 2 pills”, said the first man.

Better Choices

Jun 5, 2021

0 226

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”

Boys and Girls Prayers

Jun 5, 2021

0 360

A Girls Prayer:

Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who’s willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say,
when I ask “How big’s my behind?”
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

A Boy’s Prayer:

Lord,
I pray for a nympho with huge boobs
who owns a beer store.
Amen

Addicted to Porn

Jun 5, 2021

0 1507

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

During foreplay, he’s always double-clicking your G-spot.
His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.
When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, “Scroll down.”
Tells everyone he’s a pioneer in “palm computing.”
He’s suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.
When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, “Boy, I’d like to click on her.”
You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.
As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.
During sex, he shouts, “Refresh! Refresh!”