Sunday, April 6, 2025
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Before and After You Fall in Love Jokes Times

Before – You take my breath away
After – I feel like I’m suffocating

Before – Twice a night
After – Twice a month

Before – She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac

Before – Lucy and Ricky
After – Fred and Ethyl

Before – Saturday Night Fever
After – Monday Night Football

Before – Don’t stop
After – Don’t start

Before – Is that all your having?
After – Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

Before – Its like I’m living In a dream
After – Its like he lives In a dorm

Before – $60/doz.
After – $1.50/stem

Before – Turbo charged
After – Jump start

Before – We agree on everything
After – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?

Before – Victoria Secret
After – Fruit of the Loom

Before – Charming and Noble
After – Chernobyl

Before – Feathers and handcuffs
After – Ball and chain

Before – Idol
After – Idle

Before – I love a woman with curves
After – I never said you were fat

Before – He’s completely lost without me
After – Why won’t he ever ask for directions?

Before – Time stood still
After – This relationship Is going nowhere

Before – Croissant and cappuccino
After – Bagel and instant

Before – You look so seductive In black
After – Your clothes are so depressing

Before – Oysters
After – Fishsticks

Before – I can hardly believe we found each other
After – I can’t believe I ended up with someone like you

Before – Passion
After – Ration

Before – Once upon a time
After – The end

A Lottery Winner Jokes Times

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!”

Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

True Cowboy Jokes Times

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences… I guess I am,” replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was. “I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women,” the young woman said.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”

“I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.”

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New Technology Jokes Times

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.

“That’s my pager,” he says. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he explains, “That’s my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear.

The others raise their eyebrows.

“I’m getting a Fax,” he explains

Cow on Track Jokes Times

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

“What’s going on?” she yells out the window.

“Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”

Microsoft vs GM Jokes Times

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car95” or “CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

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