Pain Transfer

Jun 6, 2021

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A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a machine which would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they both agreed enthusiastically.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine, so the doctor upped the percentage to 50% and finally 100%, since the wife was obviously benefiting from the transfer.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

Deaf Newlyweds

Jun 6, 2021

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Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times!”

Goose and the Gander Philosophy

Jun 6, 2021

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Goose and the Gander Philosophy Jokes Times

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

The husband says “WHAT??”

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.

Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out – but she does not argue. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.”

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.” The husband stops and says, “No, honey I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.”

The wife’s face goes blank.

“No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

Just want you to know it’s Because I Care

Jun 6, 2021

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Just want you to know it's Because I Care Jokes Times

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

This is why I’m contacting you…. Well, my job is done!

Crooked Cop

Jun 6, 2021

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“Do you think when a crooked cop is having sex with his wife, he yells out, “Stop Resisting”?

Dictionary of Dating

Jun 6, 2021

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ATTRACTION – the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER – a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love