Fastest Gun in the West

Jun 5, 2021

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This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.

The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said “I have a suggestion that is sure to help.”

“Tell me, tell me,” said the young man.

“Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“Definitely,” said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off he piano player.

“Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?”

“Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“It sure will,” said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off the piano player. “This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?”

“One more thing,” said the old man. “Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.”

The young fellow didn’t hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.

“No, the whole gun, handle and everything.” said the old man.

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“No,” said the old man, “But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he’s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.”

Nuthouse Suicide

Jun 5, 2021

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After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.

“Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. James replied. “I hung him up to dry.”

Graveside Grief

Jun 5, 2021

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A man had just placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and had started to walk back to his car when his attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a nearby grave.

He seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept wailing, “Why did you die? Why did you die?”

Approaching the mourner he said, “Sir, I don`t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I`ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?”

“My wife’s first husband!!”

Special Letter to Washing Powder

Jun 5, 2021

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Special Letter to Washing Powder Jokes Times

Dear Tide:

I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best.

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn’t come out.

After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!! I thank you once again for a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty Bag people.

Sex Maniac Mouse

Jun 5, 2021

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One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.

Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

“Don’t be afraid, darling,” said the man. “Wait until I tell you about this.”

“Get out of here!” cried his wife. “And take that sex maniac with you!”

Out to Dinner

Jun 5, 2021

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A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”