Help desk: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Help desk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it.
First Email
The Love Dress
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing,” the mother-in-law asked.
“I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law replied.
“Why are you naked,” asked the mother-in-law.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law replied.
“LOVE DRESS! You are naked,” said the mother-in-law.
“But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,” said the daughter-in-law. “I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,” the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the “LOVE DRESS” and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.
Finally, the pickup truck drove up the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
“What are you doing,” he asked.
“This is my love dress,” the mother-in-law replied.
“Needs ironing,” he replied.
Funny Windows Messages for 2006
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now?(Y/Y)”
7. This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world.Please log off.”
8. To “shut down” your system, type “WIN”
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL &PAPER.SYS)
16. User Error: Replace user.
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way
Pain Transfer
A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a machine which would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they both agreed enthusiastically.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine, so the doctor upped the percentage to 50% and finally 100%, since the wife was obviously benefiting from the transfer.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Deaf Newlyweds
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……fifty times!”
Goose and the Gander Philosophy
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says “WHAT??”
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out – but she does not argue. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.”
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says “I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register.” The husband stops and says, “No, honey I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.”
The wife’s face goes blank.
“No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”
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