Stucked Peanut

Jun 5, 2021

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One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him into the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, “That was wonderful! Isn’t he intelligent? What do you think he’ll be when he grows older?!” The father replies, “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!”

Tired Mouse

Jun 5, 2021

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A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in.

“Get a load of her” said the mouse, “what a babe!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” replied the lion.

So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they’re out the door and into the night.

The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in.

The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up.

The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, “What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?”

The mouse replied, “Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I’ve never had a night like it!”

“But how come you look like you’re so exhausted?” asked the lion.

“Well” said the mouse, “between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!”

Three Babies

Jun 5, 2021

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Three babies are in their mother’s womb. One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”

The next one says, “I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”

Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”

You’re Fine

Jun 5, 2021

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“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore. “Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

Contraceptive 98

Jun 5, 2021

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News just in of Microsoft’s latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive 98 suite consists of three products: Condom 98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive 98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive 98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive 98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.

At installation, the Condom 98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.