A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”
The cadet replied, “Not me, Sarge…no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I’d never stand in another line!”
A man is in Court. The Judge says, “On the 3rd August, you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?” The man in the dock replied, “Guilty”.
At this time of the point, a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted, “You dirty rat!”. The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued, “on 17th September, you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?” The man in the dock replied, “Guilty”.
Again, the same man at the back of the court stood up and shouted even louder, “You dirty rotten stinking rat!” At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, “I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continus with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?” He replied, “He is my next door neighbour.” The Judge replied, “I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments.”
The man replied, “NO, your honor, you don’t understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH times, he said he didn’t have one!”
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’
The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’
The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’
The priest, getting impatient, said ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, ‘Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.’
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
“Hello?”
“Honey, It’s me. Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat… It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.00”
“Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much…”
“Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”
“What price did he quote you?”
“Only $60,000…”
“OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”
“Great! Before we hang up, something else…”
“What?”
“It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Only $450,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”
“Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie… Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye… I do too…”
The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
Teacher: I’d like a room, please.
Hotel Receptionist: Single, Sir?
Teacher: Yes, but I am engaged.
It’s your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him– he’s done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to lead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
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