Whales

Jun 5, 2021

0 368

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him “.

Is Windows a Virus?

Jun 5, 2021

0 253

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. – Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. – Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It’s a bug.

Cat Calls

Jun 5, 2021

0 64

A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady.

“Yes, it is,” replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”

“Well, sort of,” said the elderly lady, “There’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.”

“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”

“Well, it should,” said the vet, “It stopped ME!”

An Insult

Jun 5, 2021

0 78

I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

Lost In Seattle

Jun 5, 2021

0 237

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said ‘WHERE AM I?’ in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said ‘YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the ‘YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER’ sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded ‘I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.’

Naming Tribe Children

Jun 5, 2021

1 1925

The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief. One day a young boy from the tribe ask the chief how he choose the names for all the children.

“Well, my son,” the chief replied, “when I step out of my hut, I name each child after the first thing that I see. For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my hut and I see a pale moon rising, I say, You shall be called, Pale Moon Rising. And when a child is born and I step out of my hut and I see a hawk flying over, I say, You shall be called, Hawk Flying Over.”

While the young tribe boy listen carefully, the chief said, “So, why do you want to know, Big Dog Pooping?”