Tech Support: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy’s horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
“Hold on there, partner,” said the snake, “don’t shoot– I’m an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don’t shoot me, I’ll give you any three wishes you want.” The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake’s striking range. He said, “OK, first, I’d like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I’d like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I’d like sexual equipment like this here horse I’m riding.” The rattlesnake said, “All right, when you get back to the bunk house you’ll have all three wishes.”
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted,
“My God, I was riding the mare!”
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something I can put in… some command… maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you’ll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of
this guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]
Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost….
We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,”
where 🙂 means a smile and 🙁 is a frown.
Well, how about some “ass icons”?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_O_) and ass that’s been around even more
(_$_) this ass will cost you
(_o_) this ass costs a lot less
(_/_) an asian ass
(_~_) a latin ass
(_*_) a French ass
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_$_) this ass will cost you
(_##_) pound my ass even harder
(_<>_) an ass ready for action
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_oo_) an ass built for two
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_Y_) an ass that can’t say No
(_+_) tongue in cheek
(_Q_) tongue in cheek, alternate
(_<_) this ass belongs to someone (_p_) snake in the ass (pun) (_v_) an ass with 'roids (_w_) an ass with really bad 'roids
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff.
“The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.
“The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that’s not so bad.
A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.
“The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!”
A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.
He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend visits her the next day and asks” Are you hurt?” She replies. Of Course I’m hurt, He hasn’t called! He hasn’t written!
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