A blind woman was out walking with her seeing eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the woman’s leg.
Bending down, the blind woman stretched out her hand and patted the dog’s head.
Having watched what happened, a passer by said, “Say, why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!”
“I know,” said the blind woman, “but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt.”
A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 kilometre per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.
Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn’t cause an accident with the chicken.
The man sped up to 55 kilometre per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken.
The man then sped up to 65 kilometre per hour only to again be equalled in speed by the 3-legged chicken.
As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm.
The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.
After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. “Well we figure,” said the farmer, “that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken.
But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own.” “That’s pretty wise,” said the man, who then asked “Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?”
“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “We’ve never been able to catch one.”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, you should satisfy his every whim sexually several times a week.”
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“You’re going to die,” she replied.
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this accent say, “You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.” Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”
The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on.” Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years — raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy’s pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, “YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”.
While waiting for a bus, the blind man’s dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man’s legs.
A passer-by commented to the blind man, “What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?
“To which the blind man replied, “Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him.”
Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn’t interested.
Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night!!
She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday.
Finally, Friday came.
As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.
Finally, 7 O’Clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. “Hi Mikey!” she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, “Suzie you look beautiful!!”
Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door – then IT hit her.
Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking along, what am I going to do??
Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.
So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that he’s just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the Car.
Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, “Suzie, I’d like you to meet my brother Carl and his date”.
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