Home Hot Marriage Jokes

In Tune

Jun 4, 2021

0 168

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

The husband says, “WHAT??”

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out — but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.”

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

The husband says, “No, no, no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

Free Ride

Jun 4, 2021

0 125

In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair.

The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free.

But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.” The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.

After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

The Love Dress

Jun 4, 2021

0 281

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

“What are you doing,” the mother-in-law asked.

“I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law replied.

“Why are you naked,” asked the mother-in-law.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law replied.

“LOVE DRESS! You are naked,” said the mother-in-law.

“But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,” said the daughter-in-law. “I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,” the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the “LOVE DRESS” and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

Finally, the pickup truck drove up the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.

“What are you doing,” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” the mother-in-law replied.

“Needs ironing,” he replied.

Remove a Curse

Jun 4, 2021

0 295

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a ‘Curse’ he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says “maybe, but you will to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Burned Barn

Jun 4, 2021

0 380

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”

There was a long pause before Susan replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

Men Who Remember

Jun 4, 2021

2 190

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears to be in deep though, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes, I do,” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues… “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years.” “I remember that too,” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says… “I would have gotten out today!”