Saturday, November 23, 2024
Marriage Jokes

Goodbye Daddy Jokes Times

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:’God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.’ The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, ‘I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.’

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: ‘God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.’

The next day the grandmother died. ‘Holy **** ‘ thought the father,this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: ‘God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.’

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said ‘I’ve never seen you work so late,what’s the matter?’

He said ‘I don’t want to talk about it; I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.’

She said, ‘You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!

Terrible Accident Jokes Times

A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor.
‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’

What You Did Today Jokes Times

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?”

“Yes” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

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I was in Love Jokes Times

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

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Candle Light Dinner Jokes Times

David was not a very romantic person, and furthermore, he does not have much experience in candle light dinner with any girls. But he wanted to impress the girl he like, so he date her out to a candle light dinner.

During the dinner, he watches other couples around them, trying to follow their leads to sweet talk to the girl. He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his girl-friends cup and said, “Sugar, sugar?”. David thought this was a great and continued to listen to other couples around the restaurant.

Another table sits another couple and the man spooned out some honey out to a bowl for his girl-friend and asked, “honey, honey?”. Again David thought this was good idea.

Finally, David’s table food were served. He cuts off a piece of his pork chop, stared longingly into the girl’s eye and said, “Ham, Pig?”

Prison vs Housewife Jokes Times

In prison you get three square meals a day.
At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat
it.

In prison you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.
At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can
spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again
because little Jr. can’t sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison you get to watch TV, cable even.
At home you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control
and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.
At home you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane and Spot and
worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the
next twenty years.

In prison all your medical care is free.
At home you have to pawn your mother’s silver and fill out trillions of
papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and
then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.
At home you get to clean for days advance and then cook and clean up after
your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in
your own space all day.
At home you get to clean your space and everyone else’s space, too, and
what the heck is free time again?

In prison you get your own personal toilet.
At home you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to
keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till
you’re done so you can do something for them.

In prison the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.
At home you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else’s and
get yelled at because somebody’s favorite shirt isn’t clean.

In prison they take you everywhere you need to go.
At home you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make
sure nothing is missing.
At home you have to lug around everybody else’s stuff in your purse and
then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you
to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn’t.
At home…stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?

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