A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife.
You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
It was a few days before Christmas. Benny’s trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe.
Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, “Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe.”
“Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.” “Ok, I see that it’s above the luggage scale which is the place you’d have to step forward for a kiss.” “That’s not why it’s there.”
“Ok, I give up. Why is it there?”
“It’s there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.”
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
Chap – You’re Merlin aren’t you?
Merlin – Why yes ..it’s nice to be recognised!
Chap – Bit of a Wizard ..I hear?
Merlin – Well Yes .. I’ve been told I’m skilled
Chap – Do tricks and things ..don’t ya.. Magical stuff?
Merlin – Magical … yes that’s correct
Chap – Turn Kings into Frogs ..and that sort of thing ..Is that right
Merlin – Well Yes ..I suppose I could Turn a King into a Frog!
Chap – Ever Mucked up ..Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin – Well Yes …hasn’t everyone?
Chap – Can you reverse a curse?
Merlin – Yes I can … with knowledge of who applied the Curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it ….Why ?
Chap – I’m Cursed
Merlin – Really … and how long have you been bewitched?
Chap – Years…..
Merlin – Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?
Chap – Yeah .. can’t forget them!
Merlin – What were they?
Chap – something like … Do you take this women to be your lawfully wedded wife…
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
The husband says, “WHAT??”
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can’t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond ear rings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out — but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.”
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”
The husband says, “No, no, no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!
In the early 1930’s, a farmer and his wife went to a fair.
The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot. “That’s too much,” said the farmer.
The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free.
But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.” The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.
After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”
“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”
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