A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
Newspaper Ads
Fur Coat
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
“HA,” he snorted, “The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!”
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrusts her pubic area forward. “There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat.”
“That’s not your chest!” he roars back. “Damn right it’s my chest,” she argued.
“Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest.
AND IF YOU DON’T BUY ME A FUR COAT, IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!”
Marriage Woes
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
How Many Times
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 50 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him.”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one.”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
Better Choices
“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”
“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”
“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.
“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”
Visit to the Doctor
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
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