Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Davie. “Giving up?”
A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.” She then asked little Alec what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SH*T.”
Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:
A woman called a local hospital . . . .
“Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.”
The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”
“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”
“I’ll connect you with the nursing station . . . .”
“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?”
“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”
“Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”
The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic . . . that’s wonderful news!”
The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”
“Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!
Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn’t it son?”
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”
The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”
Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. “Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.
“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what her age is.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow up.”
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask people.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You’ll understand some day.”
“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”
“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really can’t talk about it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, “All you have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.” “Jenny, where did you learn this?”, her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, “And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just gasped and asked, “Why?”
Jenny replied, “Because you got an F in sex!”
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming. He gave her that “who are you look,” and couldn’t remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. “Look,” she said “I’m really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!”
Then he got a little panicky. “I don’t remember her,” he thought but, MAYBE….during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?”
“No”, she said with a horrified look on her face.
“I’m your son’s second grade teacher.”
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