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The Facelift

Jun 4, 2021

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A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we’ll just tighten the screw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!”

The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.

A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?

The surgeon looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”

Lost in Mall

Jun 4, 2021

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He Approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my Grandpa!” The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

“Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.”

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery

Jun 4, 2021

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Things you don’t want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop!
“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”
Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again….
“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy’s got two of ’em.”
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It’s throwing off my concentration.
What’s this doing here?
I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here….
That’s cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses.
Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor’s clean, right?
What do you mean, he wasn’t in for a sex change……!!!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.
Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, right?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don’t worry. I think this is sharp enough.
She’s gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

What You Did Today?

Jun 4, 2021

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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?”

“Yes” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

Three Nurses

Jun 4, 2021

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Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

Viagra

Jun 4, 2021

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In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a genericname. For example, the trade name of Tylenol has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is call edamoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.