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Mongolian VD

Jun 6, 2021

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.

You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way.”

“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”

Ear Problem

Jun 6, 2021

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A man walks into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks, “Sir, may we help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my penis,” he informs her.

The receptionist indignantly responds, “Sir, You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say something like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he says.

“Because” replies the receptionist. “You’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there’s something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man walks out, waits several minutes, and re-enters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks,

“Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he states.

The receptionist nods approvingly.

“And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“It burns when I piss out of it” the man replied.

Cold Cream

Jun 6, 2021

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Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Davie. “Giving up?”

You Get What You Ask For

Jun 6, 2021

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A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.” She then asked little Alec what he had done.

“I read a book,” he replied.

“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the SH*T.”

Nobody in Hospital Tells Me Anything

Jun 6, 2021

0 127

Nobody in Hospital Tells Me Anything Jokes Times

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . . . .

“Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”

“I’ll connect you with the nursing station . . . .”

“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?”

“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”

“Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic . . . that’s wonderful news!”

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”

“Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!

Outhouse

Jun 6, 2021

0 332

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.It was you, wasn’t it son?”

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree.”