“Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!”
“Don’t panic, the magnet should pass through his system soon.”
“How will I be sure?” she pressed.
“Stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off,you’ll know.”
Sure Cure
Home Classic
Symptoms of the Bird Flu
This is important information just in case.
Symptoms of the Bird Flu…
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
- High fever
- Congestion
- Nausea
- Fatigue
- Aching in the joints
- An irresistible urge to crap on someone’s windshield.
Valentine Cards
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards with ending signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
Home Remedies
- If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
- High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
- A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
- If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
- Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- AND….. Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
- And finally… Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Terrible Accident
A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor.
‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’
The Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?”
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic….. “Try doing it with the engine running!”
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