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How Many Kinds…

Jun 5, 2021

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Urologist Appointment

Jun 5, 2021

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I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.

I approached the desk and gave the receptionist — a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, “Yes, I see your name here—–you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?

I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation— and I’d like the same doctor who did yours!!”

The Doctor’s Advice

Jun 5, 2021

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A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead.

The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, “Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?”

The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, “Spin him around. Make it look like he was coming in.”

The Potty

Jun 5, 2021

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A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: “Billy, are you alright? You’ve been in here for a while…

Billy says: “I’m fine, mommy.. I just haven’t gone ‘Doody’ yet.”

Mother says: “Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Billy says: “Works for ketchup.”

Whales

Jun 5, 2021

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him “.

Cat Calls

Jun 5, 2021

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A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady.

“Yes, it is,” replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”

“Well, sort of,” said the elderly lady, “There’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.”

“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”

“Well, it should,” said the vet, “It stopped ME!”