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The Potty

Jun 5, 2021

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A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: “Billy, are you alright? You’ve been in here for a while…

Billy says: “I’m fine, mommy.. I just haven’t gone ‘Doody’ yet.”

Mother says: “Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?”

Billy says: “Works for ketchup.”

Whales

Jun 5, 2021

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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him “.

Cat Calls

Jun 5, 2021

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A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. “Is this the vet?” asked an elderly lady.

“Yes, it is,” replied the vet, “Is this an emergency?”

“Well, sort of,” said the elderly lady, “There’s a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can’t get to sleep. What can I do about it?”

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, “Open the window and tell them they’re wanted on the phone.”

“Really?” said the elderly lady, “Will that stop them?”

“Well, it should,” said the vet, “It stopped ME!”

Wrong Cab

Jun 5, 2021

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A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

Sick Man From Iraq

Jun 5, 2021

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Ahmed came to the United States from Iraq, and was here only a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor. The doctor said, “Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.”

Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, “It worked!! I feel terrific!! What was wrong with me?”
The doctor said, “You were homesick.”

Too Many Puppies

Jun 5, 2021

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A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup’s head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they had to be baptized, too.”