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Jesus is watching you

Jun 5, 2021

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Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesus is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.

The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.”

Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot.

What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus.”

Hospital Ghost

Jun 5, 2021

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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.

He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”

The drunk, still staring down replied: “I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost.”

Brain Transplant

Jun 5, 2021

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The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. “Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.”

“Well, how much does a brain cost?” asked the relatives. “For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.” Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient’s daughter asked, “Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?”

“A standard pricing practice,” said the head of the team, “women’s brains have to be marked down because they are used.”

How Many Kinds…

Jun 5, 2021

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Urologist Appointment

Jun 5, 2021

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I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.

I approached the desk and gave the receptionist — a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, “Yes, I see your name here—–you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?

I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, “No, I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation— and I’d like the same doctor who did yours!!”

The Doctor’s Advice

Jun 5, 2021

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A man was walking into the hospital for a routine examination the other day. Just as he reached the main entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital, keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the second and noticed that he was obviously dead.

The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor that he could find, and screamed, “Doctor, Doctor!! A man just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the sidewalk!! What should I do?”

The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments, then suggested, “Spin him around. Make it look like he was coming in.”