A doctor was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So, how’s your breakfast this morning?”
“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.
The doctor finds it funny and asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
Temperature was hitting new high during mid year. Despite the scorching heat, Mark was outside painting his house. A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, “How come you are wearing two jackets?”
Mark replies, “Because, the directions on this can of paint says put on two coats!”
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
“I’m better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience.” he replied.
“Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?” I asked in stunned disbelief.
“Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!”
My Mother taught me LOGIC…”If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
My Mother taught me MEDICINE…”If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD…”If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”
My Mother taught me ESP…”Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE…”What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”
My Mother taught me HUMOR…”When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…”If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS…”You are just like your father!”
My mother taught me about my ROOTS…”Do you think you were born in a barn?”
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE…”When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…”Just wait until your father gets home.”
My mother taught me about RECEIVING…”You are going to get it when we get home.”
And, my all-time favorite – JUSTICE…”One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU — then you’ll see what it’s like!”
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, the patient inform his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
“Which one?” the doctor asked.
“The patch”, the patient answered. “The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!”
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
A doctor was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
He placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” The patient read the 20/20 line perfectly.
“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.
“Now both,” The doctor requested. There was silence. The patient couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.
The doctor turned and discovered that he had done exactly covered both eyes.
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