Passwords

Jun 4, 2021

0 501

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to choose and enter a password that he wants to use when logging on. The husband is in a rather amorous mood and figures he will try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention so, when the computer asks him to enter his password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he is keying in “penis”…

His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard when the computer replies:

**PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH **

Printer Repair

Jun 4, 2021

0 216

When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?” “Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

The Love Dress

Jun 4, 2021

0 278

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

“What are you doing,” the mother-in-law asked.

“I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law replied.

“Why are you naked,” asked the mother-in-law.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law replied.

“LOVE DRESS! You are naked,” said the mother-in-law.

“But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,” said the daughter-in-law. “I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,” the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the “LOVE DRESS” and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

Finally, the pickup truck drove up the driveway, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.

“What are you doing,” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” the mother-in-law replied.

“Needs ironing,” he replied.

Burned Barn

Jun 4, 2021

0 379

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”

There was a long pause before Susan replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”

Computer Diagnosis

Jun 4, 2021

0 153

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor. His friend offered, “Don’t do that!!! There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water.. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.
Give him vitamins.
Your daughter’s using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife’s pregnant – twin girls.
They aren’t yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don’t stop jerking off,
Your tennis elbow will never get better!

How to Clean your Mouse

Jun 4, 2021

0 734

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (FieldReplacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.