“Doctor, my child has swallowed a magnet!”
“Don’t panic, the magnet should pass through his system soon.”
“How will I be sure?” she pressed.
“Stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off,you’ll know.”
Sure Cure
Home Remedies
- If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
- High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
- A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
- If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
- Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- AND….. Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
- And finally… Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Terrible Accident
A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for ‘small, $6,500 for ‘medium, and $14,000 for ‘large.’
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor.
‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’
Lost in Mall
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He Approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my Grandpa!” The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
“Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.”
What You Did Today?
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?”
“Yes” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
35-Year-old Daughter
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
“What are you doing?” she exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.
“What are you doing?” he exclaimed. The daughter replied, “I’m 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I’ll ever get to a husband.”
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
“What are you doing?” she asked. He replied, “Watching the game with my son-in-law.”
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