Professional Help

Jun 6, 2021

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”

Mongolian VD

Jun 6, 2021

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you.

You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.”

The man looks a little relieved and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure other than to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Oh no! I want a second opinion!”

The doctor replies, “Well it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way.”

“Then there’s no need to operate? Oh, thank God!” the man replies.

“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor, “You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!”

Ear Problem

Jun 6, 2021

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A man walks into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approaches the desk, the receptionist asks, “Sir, may we help you?”

“There’s something wrong with my penis,” he informs her.

The receptionist indignantly responds, “Sir, You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say something like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he says.

“Because” replies the receptionist. “You’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there’s something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man walks out, waits several minutes, and re-enters. The receptionist smiles smugly and asks,

“Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he states.

The receptionist nods approvingly.

“And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“It burns when I piss out of it” the man replied.

Nobody in Hospital Tells Me Anything

Jun 6, 2021

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Nobody in Hospital Tells Me Anything Jokes Times

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital . . . .

“Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”

“I’ll connect you with the nursing station . . . .”

“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?”

“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.”

“Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic . . . that’s wonderful news!”

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”

“Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!

Does Childbirth Hurt?

Jun 6, 2021

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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.

She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”

The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”

“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?,” she asks.

“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”

“Like this?”

“A little more…”

“Like this?”

“No. A little more…”

“Like this?”

“Yes. Does that hurt?”

“A little bit.”

“Now stretch it over your head!”

Immaculate Conception

Jun 6, 2021

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A mother and her daughter were at a gynaecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. “She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”

The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.” She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”

“No, mumsy,” said the girl. “Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.

He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”

“No, Madam,” said the doctor. “It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”