Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, “Doc, I think I’m getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.”
“That’s not senility,” replied the doctor. “Senility is when you forget to zip down.”
Ben was working at the lumberyard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut off all of his fingers. He quickly ran down the street to the emergency room. The doctor quickly examined his hands and asked for the fingers.
“I don’t have the fingers.” Ben gasped through his pain.
“What do you mean you don’t have the fingers? We aren’t living in the DarkAges here! I can reattach those fingers and you’d be as good as new! Why didn’t you bring the fingers?”
“Gosh, Doc!” Ben yelled sarcastically. “I guess I couldn’t pick ’em up!”
“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore. “Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”
The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.”
The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dreaded disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list.
To no one’s surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, “You’ve got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn’t any calcium in a kiss!”
The scientist replied calmly, “In a good kiss, there’s enough calcium to make a BONE about 6 to 8 inches long.”
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